“You wrote a fucking memoir. Oh I love it.” Robert said as he placed the story down on the kitchen table. He had spent the last two days lounging on his couch reading Michael’s story from the laptop. Meanwhile, Michael sat in the kitchen fiddling his fingers, smoking Robert’s unfiltered cigarettes, and drinking black coffee. He waited in the kitchen for two days like a father waiting to hear from the doctor if his son will ever be able to walk again.
Michael looked up at Robert in disbelief. “it’s not a memoir.”
Robert took a seat and reclaimed his pack of cigarettes. “Dude, I lived with you during those years. I know that whole story. I could have finished every one of those sentences. Maybe I would have added a few curses, and my grammar might have been more suckier, but I basically knew it all. But I’m not saying that I didn’t thoroughly enjoy it. I thoroughly enjoyed your memoir.”
“Alright I did base some of it on true events,”
“And true people.” Robert added.
“, and true people, but I changed things around, and I made it a lot more dramatic, and… no man, it’s not a memoir. The part of Tracy is completely different. I idealize her in the book.”
“Yeah, and you idealized her in real life.”
“No I didn’t.” Michael said defensively.
“You fucking slit your wrists when she left you.” Robert was in disbelief that he had to remind Michael of this incident.
“ I didn’t slit my wrists.”
“Oh so that was ketchup I had to clean off my carpet.”
“I didn’t want to commit suicide, you know that. I had a temporary moment of insanity. I was just in a bad place at that point in time, and Tracy leaving me wasn’t helping at all. And I didn’t even cut in the right direction, and you know I knew the right direction. I just wanted to know what it would feel like. Just in case I ever need to write about it in the future. I didn’t expect to bleed as much as I did.”
“Well the next time you want to do research for a novel, please don’t do it on my bedroom floor. You gave the girl I was seeing quite a scare.’
“Oh shit. Was that Cindy the screamer?”
“Yup. And if you thought she was a screamer in bed, you should have heard her screaming when she saw you.”
“Damn I wish I was conscious for that.”
“I wish you didn’t do it.”
“There’s a lot of stuff I wish I never did. I wish I never met Tracy.” Michael looked at his wrists under the table, tracing the barely visible scares.
“ But then who would have been your influence for this novel?”
“True. So come on, give me the criticism. I can take it. Just don’t tell me it’s a memoir.” Michael sat up eagerly.
“Well let’s see.” Robert blew some air out loudly while thinking. “The main characters were really well developed, although I wish you made me sound a little smarter. Oh the pool scene was amazing. You never told me about that.”
“ I don’t kiss and tell.”
“No you just write about it.”
“Shut up. Go on”
“And that cat in the last line is perfect. It just like sums up exactly how Tracy always treated you. And it totally went back to the beginning. It was like a full circle moment. Ahh I’ve been watching Dr. Phil to much.”
“God you sound like Suzanne.”
“Does she like Dr. Phil too? I got a little TV for my office cause he goes on before I get off from work.”
“That’s great man. I’m really glad you’re in touch with your feminine side. No Suzanne thought that the book was done too.” Michael’s eyebrows furrowed in incredulity at this common inaccuracy.
“Well what else do you need to say?”
“Ahhh the outcome.” Michael stated obviously.
“You don’t need to say the outcome, it’s obvious. And the outcome is so irrelevant. The novel is about the process not the solution.”
“Wow, you definitely watch too much of the Dr.”
“He speaks the truth. So anyways, if you don’t want this to be mistaken for a memoir, why don’t you change the names asshole?”
“I went through every name in the world for those two characters. I even bought a book on baby names, which got Suzanne really excited.”
“And you couldn’t find anything better than Tracy and Michael?”
“No. Those names just sound good together. They’re supposed to be together. Shanequa and Tom just doesn’t sound as good as Tracy and Michael.”
“ What about Robert and Allison?” Robert said in earnest.
“I’m not writing a memoir for you.”
“Why did you change my name in the book? Are you ashamed of my name?” He asked with mocking pain.
“Well first of all it’s not you. It’s a composite character of every male friend I’ve ever had.”
“Please. It’s me Michael.”
“No it’s not”
“How come Bob is always saying ‘oh I love it?’ That’s my saying. I’ve been saying that since eighth grade.”
“So any character who ever says he loves something is based on you?”
“You’re a shit head.”
“Dickwad.”
“Cum spitting gutter snipe.”
“Blood vomiting rectum.”
“Oh that was gross. I quit.”
“You were always a quitter.”
“So what’s your plan now. Do you plan on bumming my couch for the rest of your life?”
“I actually have no idea. I definitely don’t want to stay here any longer than I have to. I think I’m starting to smell like this place.”
“Hey, the ladies have no problem with this stench.” Robert proudly breathed in and coughed uncontrollably.
“You should switch to filtered. You’ve been coughing a lot. I don’t want you to go like your mother.”
“I know I know. I’m seeing a doctor on Monday. I would quite but it makes me look so damn cool.”
“Yeah sometimes I’m too intimidated to talk to you ‘cause you look so cool.”
“dickwad”
“Cum spitting gutter snipe.”
“Oh I love it.”
“Anyway I’ve actually been thinking of visiting Maureen and Josh. Are they still in the area?”
“No you’ll never believe where they moved.”
“New York?”
“Nope.”
“L.A.?”
“Nope.”
Michael thought for a long time. “Philadelphia?”
Robert made the loud sound that contest shows make for the wrong answer. “Do you give up?”
“Yes. Where?”
“None other than, drum roll please, fishkill, Wyoming.” Robert said waiting for the laughter to ensue.
“Wyoming? Maureen and Justin? Wait we are talking about Maureen the theater major, and Josh the Fine Arts major? What are they doing there?”
“Oh God you should have been there. At the end of their wedding reception, in typical Maureen and Josh style they announce that they are going to reveal where they would be moving to. Then some guy pulled out a huge map of America, and Josh put a blindfold over Maureen’s eyes. Josh pulled a dart out of bag, kissed it and gave it to Maureen. She then proceeded to throw the dart that would determine their future location. You should have seen Josh’s face. Maureen was so excited, cause she was still blindfolded, and Josh just stood there like his life was about to end. It was hilarious.”
“So they moved to Fishkill, Wyoming just because a dart landed there?”
“I know. Talk about guts.”
“I thought I was being brave living in Manhattan, but moving to Wyoming takes a lot more balls. So what the hell are they doing there?”
“Oh I have a post card some where. They actually write a lot. I guess there’s a lot of time to write when you’re living in Wyoming.” Robert searched through the stacks of envelopes and papers on his kitchen table. He found a beaten up post card with a bright blue sky, a green mountain, and a random sheep. “Here.” He handed it to Michael.
Michael looked at the post card as if it were an artifact from a museum. He turned to the other side and read it outload. “Hey Robert. We got this post card cause we could sympathize with the lonely sheep. Teaching has been really rewarding. We miss the old gang. Do you have Michael’s contacts by any chance? We want to tell him the good news. Love, Maureen and Josh.” Michael reread the card in his head. “They wanted to write to me?”
“Yeah I tried to get a hold of you, but you love screening your calls, don’t you?”
“What did they want to tell me?”
“I think you should go there and find out for yourself. They’ll love seeing you.”
“I’d love to see them”
“Then go there.”
“I will.”
“Fine.”
“Fine”
“Oh I love it.”
“Alright tomorrow I’m booking the flight.”
“Man I wish I could go with you.”
“Then come. We’ll have half the group back together.”
“I can’t. Remember? I have the doctor’s appointment.”
“Reschedule it.”
“No I can’t take this cough anymore. I need to get some Codeine or something.”
“Now you’re sounding like Adam.”
“You should visit him. He’s in Arizona.
“Maybe I will.”
“I’m going to miss you, man.”
“I know, I’m gonna miss you too.”
“I’m really glad you came to visit little old me.”
“Well you are my best friend.”
“Like wise.”
“I love you man.”
“I love you more.”
“Thanks, mom.”
“Promise you’ll visit more often.”
“Promise.”